Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Distortion

    (photo by Andre Kertesz)


"Look at that monster."
"Yes, she is one of the rarest species, we are lucky to have her here, she might as well be the last of her kind."
"Can she talk?"
"Yes, of course but we are not allowed to talk to her."
"Why not?"
"Because of the Red Fear disease....you don't know?"
"In the past people talked to her, befriended her but then someone got closer and she infected him with red fear..."
"Why red?"
"That was the colour of his fear, red.  Each of us carries a different colour. Anyway, his fear was red, so we called the phenomenon  the Red Fear disease and  decided never to communicate for more than specific amount of time with her again."
"Specific amount of time? How long is that?"
"It depends on the interlocutor really. It starts with Brave, which is done mostly by written messages, and goes all the way to Wimp with almost no interaction at all. Do you want to try? What colour is your fear?"
" I honestly don't know.."
"Do you want to find out? Go pee and get in there..we don't want you wetting your pants now, do we?"
                             
                                    .                      .                       .


"Hello, I am Alithia." I type on the big tablet the zoo keeper gave me. Something flashes at the corner of the cage and the monster opens her eyes. She picks up the other tablet and looks at my message.
"I am Distortion." she types and my tablet lights up.
"I want to hear your voice." I type and send. Distortion smiles kindly and shakes her head in negation. My tablet lights up again.
"Whatever I say, you will distort." the message said.
"I have heard and seen many things, Distortion. Let me try." I type and send.

Distortion sighs and puts the tablet down. She looks up at me, her dark brown eyes crowned with dark, purple circles and sits up straight. She stares at me for a few moments undecided, then picks up the tablet again and starts to type.

"I will type and speak, for you to see what I mean." her message flashes and I nod in agreement.

Distortion types something on her pad and my tablet flashes. I stare at her face as her mouth opens. It is bigger than I had expected, it opens and then closes again forming words.

"I want you to be my....."
The sound of her voice enters my ears and spreads through my body.

"I want you to be mine, I want to consume you, possess you... Look how pale you are, and you call me a monster...you...what are you?"

I looked at the tablet. " I want to be your friend." the message flashes.

Distortion types again and looks up. Her mouth, opens forming a slithering snake, her tongue rolls...

"I need someone to....."

"I need someone to feed me, Alithia, you feed me your dreams and hopes and fears. I want to rule your life, own it, I want you to obey my thirst, be my slave."

"......hold me." the message said.

"I can't hear you." I muttered. "What colour is my fear? Show me! I want to know."

Distortion puts her tablet down and nods. Her mass of flesh moves on the floor and quickly towers above me. Her voice enters my head. I close my eyes and open to Distortion's words...my words.

"I will never love you, nobody ever will, you will never be accepted, you will always be rejected, and looked down on. You will beg for love, yet never find it. You are feared and rejected. You are worthless and all your loved ones will scorn you for who you are, they want you dead or gone. Until the day you die, nobody your hold you while you sleep, nobody wants to hold you while you dream, you are alone, dead and white. WHITE... Look at yourself inside me. Open your eyes Alithia...open them and face your fear, for it is who you are."

My eyes are wet with blood and so are my trousers. I wipe the blood away but I feel more coming out. From every pore I bleed.  I look inside Distortion knowing that the White Fear will come for me, the white fear is there, always there waiting for a sign of weakness. The floor is drenched with blood and I shiver.

The tablet next to me flashes and I place a bloody hand on the glass.

"I am sorry." the message says.



Friday, December 28, 2012

He ate her whole: A love story


Three days before 2012 expires and she still finds herself hanging from the same hook; she is naked and parts of her are already missing. However, she looks at him full of understanding as he sets the table for yet another meal...poor man, he is always so hungry.

Even though she is skinnier than when he found her a couple of months before, this never puts him off his food. Piece by piece he cuts her off with a long blade raw and dripping and eats her on a fancy dinner plate in the candlelight as she hangs there with a bitter smile, all pleased that she gave what he needed, yet sad that it didn't earn her a kiss.

Yet, it is odd, he is never truly pleased, always treats her with scorn, always punishing her for giving him love, her skin is too thick, her blood too sour, her bones without marrow and she cries and cries. You see she loves him so. She wishes she were fatter, with bigger breasts for him to feast on, she wishes to see him smile, to hear him talk, he never talks only chews once in a while and then walks away, punishing her for being so lean.

Tick tock, tick tock, the clock ticks the old year away and she looks at herself in the mirror he bought for her  so that she can look at what's left: no legs, no flesh on her ribs at all, liver gone, her right eye, her hair all to the floor. Poor girl, there's really nothing left for him to feast on yet she waits for the clock to strike 12  to finally do what he had promised when he first installed the hook in the dark, narrow room; to finally eat her whole.

He sewed her mouth shut because he doesn't want to hear her speak. She never understands the pain he goes through chewing on her bones, she doesn't know how it feels to truly love someone because she has never eaten human flesh, she has never cut a limb of a beloved, she doesn't know how it is to clean after one's mess; she is always so dynamically headstrong, always complaining, demanding for more, the bitch.

"What's left?" he asks and stands before her before the clock strikes 12. It's been a week perhaps two. She's missed him so. Her left eye, short-sighted as it is, scans his body for signs of love. He looks so tall and fierce, his blade catching the candle light on the fancy tablecloth.
She wants to speak but she can't, her mouth is sewn tight.  She cannot move so she blinks twice.
"It's my heart" she thinks," Happy New Year my love."
She dies of joy before she dies of pain.
He lifts her off her hook with one hand and swirls her round and round the room. She catches a glimpse of some coloured lights and a chair.
"He cares, at last he cares." she shouts in her mind full of joy and then it's over.

He places her on the dinner table and rips her heart out through the exposed rib cage. It still beats and her ghost moans with pleasure of his delight.

The clock strikes 12 and he licks his fingers meticulously.

"Time too see the parents," he mutters lifting the big rubbish bag off the floor.




Sunday, December 23, 2012

Bitter truths: A Christmas story.

    (photo by Holger Droste)

"Persephone get dressed, another batch has arrived, hurry!"
The girl moaned, she hated being awaken like this do deal with something that repulsed her. Her limbs still ached from her husband's late night visit. She needed more sleep, definitely more sleep.
"On Christmas Day? Must be bitter to die on Christmas..." she muttered.
"It's bitter to die on any day, my queen. Now you mush hurry, he's already at the lakes" he old woman said placing a white linen dress on her bed.
"I bet he's thrilled!" she said pulling the cold linen over her head. "More toys for him to play with ...the necrophiliac!" she added, bitterness and anger dripping thick on the floor.
"If he were what you say, he wouldn't have you, would he now?...You'll get used to him and his ways.." the old woman said brushing her golden hair with a gold-crusted bone comb. "He is good at what he does" she added, "And anyway...in a few more months you'll be able to go home again.."
"Only to come back here..I hate him.." Persephone said but the old woman pretended not to hear.

Barefoot, she walked out on the damp street and was startled to find a large silver moon hanging from the sky. She stared at it wide-eyed, trying to work out what it meant and why He has gone into so much trouble. The moon looked real, the wet streets reflected its pale light making everything around her look brilliantly...dead. Her spirits fell.
When she got to the mucky river she saw the boat empty already and Jack counting his gold.

"Merry Christmas Jack...you busy bee." she added and sat down on the mucky concrete river bank. The black waters below her sizzled with the silvery moonlight and even the ancient boat glistered with it here and there. Jack, however, like a black hole sucked all the light within him and reflected none.
He raised his head, lowered his cloak and looked over him.  His black, volcanic eyes with long lashes like spider legs, rested on her feet for a moment before locking on her transparent eyes. His pale mouth was immediately drawn into a smile the stubble on his chin and cheeks barely noticeable.

"Merry Christmas Persephone. " he said in his warm, husky voice. "Got you a little present!" he said and she saw his hand rummaging his right pocket.
"What is it?" she asked her hands into a prayer over her chest.
"Oh I little something I found while picking up customers." he said, raised his bony arm to the sky and shook his palm.
The thing jingled.
His white palm was warm to the touch though her hand was dead cold. The little golden bell let out a chocked squeal as she lifted it to her eyes.
"Pretty." she said
"That's what I thought too." Jack said, "I immediately thought of you." he added
He locked his eyes on hers and she felt herself drawn to him like a bee to the honey. Death was warm and sweet.
Once he sensed his affect on her, he pulled his eyes away and bent low to pick up his oars.
"I've got to run, there are more waiting for me on the other end..."
"Busy day.." Persephone said.
"Christmas is.." he added and raised his hand in goodbye as the boat slithered away. He was quickly lost in the mist.

Persephone jingled the bell once more. Its sound sent ripples over the water and made the moon shiver. She pecked it and tucked it in her breast. She knew she was late so she started to run.






Thursday, October 18, 2012

Skin on Bone

   (Zombie walk in Moscow 2010)


Looking at him through a plexiglass box full of ice-cream cones, the floor all wet and sticky. Wonder who is the unlucky human to clean it.
All around me happy, horrid faces covered in stitches, cuts, gushes and gore...They are loving every minute of it and so do I.

I go back to staring through the plexiglass box but two zombie kids running around break my reverie. Their make-up is all smudged and they are licking the thick cranberry juice thing used for blood. I feel his eyes on my face. They are warming up my protruding bones, the gush over my brow, the hole just below my heart.

"Upon my Death! He's coming.." I mutter and pull a strand of hair over the gush on my cheek.

"Hello zombie girl" he says and chuckles.

"Hello."

My head falls down, I am so afraid my chest will collapse or worse he will detect the death in me.
"You didn't overdo it." he said pointing at my face.
"Yes, I thought I would go for subtle."  I said and smiled.

I look up to catch a glimpse of his face. I think of all the things I want to do to him and my guts ache. All that is left of them.
Pull his head all the way back and grab hold of his Adam's apple, suck on his, caress it with my  tongue and let go a little after it hurts. Hide my face between his shoulder blades, let my tears of sorrow trickle down his silky skin, wrap my arms around his waist, and slide down bone by bone by bone, slither on his skin, run down like a drop of blood breathe him in the moment until he's no more. And then, if he stays enough, if he accepts the fact, if he is willing to let go, take him in, if he is willing to let go. And then he can break me, fold me twice in half and put me in the box or he can grind me to dust and release me in the air, or take me again so I can melt from his heat, melt into slime, into nothing.

(18th century Gothic sensationalism.
You are not interested in his bones. You want to see if his sperm can stick to the ceiling, you want to suck him up, hear him beg. You want to  flay him alive, YOU WANT HIM TO DIE IN YOUR ARMS!)

No!.... (yes, it's been so long...but no, not like that. I can do much better than that, if only I can remember).

Skin on bone.
His finger lifts my chin up and I bore into his face, he smiles and takes me by the hand.






Thursday, July 19, 2012

The board between us.


" How tidy this one is; so unusual for a man his age. Look how careful he is with his boxes, he has even put labels on them too: dishes, shoes, books..oh I like him already!"

Anna stood by the window watching the newcomer with wide eyes, occasionally smoothing the creases of her ancient skirt with her fingers or tucking a black lock of hair behind her ear making little comments about how he did this and that and letting out short, delicious sighs about his shoulder blades, his glossy brown hair or his bright, green eyes that focused here and there.
"My point exactly!" she blurted out  "This is where I had my bookcase too, it is the obvious spot for it. This is what I was trying to tell the others but noooo, they put it by the window or opposite the door..but not you. You know where to put your things...I like you already." she sighed and watched the man collapse on the sofa, closing his eyes from exhaustion.
Anna went to him and sat by his feet. She waited for the man's breathing to deepen and then she leaned over his ear.
"What is your name?" she whispered
"Oliver..my name is Oliver." he mumbled.
"Welcome home Oliver." Anna said and tenderly ran her fingers through the man's hair.

              (my turn to pull the strings, by Nanoo G)                              

"Your name is Oliver and you are going to set me free." Anna muttered softly.
The razor blade run like a snowboard through the shaving cream on his neck opening a smooth, glistering path right over his Adam's apple.

"His name is Oliver and he is the same as all the others before him."

The voice startled her and she turned around, walked out of the bathroom and followed the voice to the living room where a young, pleasantly looking man was sitting casually on the sofa, his legs resting on the coffee table in front of him.
"Surprised to see me?" the man asked with a smile. "Anna, you have another calling. It's time to go..come" said the man offering his hand.
"I will not do such a thing." Anna snapped and turned her back on the young man who lowered his hand and sighed.
"There is nothing for you here. It's time to move on..."
"He will find me and set me free. I will travel around the world, see the places I haven't seen. I will fly over the sea, this time I will succeed, you'll see.."
"It doesn't work this way, I've told you a million times before..." the man said.
"And how would you know? Have you ever done it? The answer is always the same, isn't it?"
The man moved towards her.
 Just then Oliver walked in the room; he spread his feet on the sofa and turned on the TV.
"He is a good man, he will do it." she said.
"No, he will not and in the end he will go like all the others, one way or another.." the man said looking at him.
"Why are you here?" Anna asked suspiciously.
"I told you, tonight you have another calling."
"Calling...I am not giving up my consciousness for your spiritual crap. I am staying right here.."
"Why? What's left for you here? The trunk in the attic?"
"My body is here, I still have hope."
"You don't belong here, you should come with me."
"I went with you once and this is what I got..you tricked me Nathaniel...God's gift. Why do you have that name anyway? You were anything but a gift to me. I should never have followed you, never!" she said sadly.
"You had no choice, it was your time..how can you hold a grudge on me after all this time Anna?" Nathaniel's  buttery eyes melted and she quickly regretted her words.
"Well.... I have a choice now. I am keeping my memories, I am keeping myself, I'm keeping this life, he will set me free and I will go far away."
"Where will you go Anna?"
" To New Zealand, the Easter islands, I will fly over the clouds.." Anna said and looked tenderly at Oliver who was now in the tiny kitchen fixing something quick to eat.
"Come with me tonight, and who knows, maybe you will visit these places sooner than you think. I'll pull a few strings, people owe me favours, I will set you somewhere South, maybe Australia, maybe New Zealand...just please come with me. It's been 100 years Anna, it's time."
"And what about my consciousness? What about that? My memories, my feelings, my life, everything I've done? What will happen to them?"

Nathaniel came close to Anna and took her in his arms. She rested her cheek on his dark corduroy jacket.
"I am sorry..." Anna whispered
"Maybe next time Anna, whenever you are ready, when you see that he.."
" You don't know that..he is different, he will do it."
"Goodbye Anna." he said and pulled away.
Anna raised her hand in goodbye but God's gift was already gone.

                        (photo by Nanoo G.)

From experience Anna knew that a new resident needs at least one month to settle into a new home, get to know the surroundings and familiarize oneself with its sounds, so she allowed one month go by without attempting any contact with Oliver. She followed his every move in the house and tried to get to know him better so as to have enough information to decide how to approach the task of assigning him the unearthing of her long dead body.



Apparently, Oliver was not the social kind, with only a couple of friends visiting him, no steady girlfriend and a love for his computer which was where he spent most of his time at home.
He woke up early every morning, showered and shaved and went to work which had something to do with computers. He came back early in the afternoon and either went out or spent the evening quietly alone.



"Definitely not the spiritual kind." Anna decided first.
Won't convince him in his sleep so I will have to use the board again" she thought and sighed.

Anna didn't like the board; no privacy, no safety, can possibly put him in danger.
 "And I hate all the stupid theatrics." she mumbled.

On the night of the Grain Moon, a hot, sticky night, the attic floor started to shake and pound.

"Wake up Oliver! Wake up and meet me in the attic! Wake up!"

"What the..." Oliver said and his eyes popped open only to see the IKEA ceiling light dancing above his head.
Despite his young age and tech background, Oliver turned out to be braver than Anna expected him to be.
"Who's there?" he shouted while climbing the narrow stairs to the attic empty-handed. He pushed the door open and turned on the light.
Someone or something had obviously been in the room because here and there books, old clothes and broken furniture had exploded covering every part of the small room.
"Look down Oliver! At your feet!" Anna shouted almost pressing Oliver's head towards the floor.
"Look! Look!" she beckoned.


And this is how Oliver got hold of the old Ouija Board.
Step 1 complete; he found the key now he has to use it.


                                 (Cristina Francov)
                           

"Ouija, Ouija, Ouija..."
"Is anybody here?"
"What is your name?"
"Are you a good spirit?"

Anna was pacing up and down the living room. Things hadn't gone as she had expected.
Oliver had spent the previous night on the Internet researching the Ouija board which led him to turn to one of his colleagues for help, a silly, faint-hearted woman. Supposedly, she was an expert in these matters.
"What is your name?" the woman with glasses as thick as beer bottles pressed in a deep voice.

"Always the same stupid questions, the same stupid rituals, as if the dead need special instructions." Anna said and sat down next to the woman.
"Please go, I need to talk to him alone, just go!" she breathed on her face and watched the woman's hair move slightly.

"It's obvious there's nobody here Oliver." the woman said finally, "Maybe we should try another time."
"I'm sorry for dragging you here Marion." he apologised
"Nonsense! I'd love a good scare if there was one to be had.." Marion said shrugging her shoulders.

"Ts..ts..." Anna said shaking her head.

Marion was escorted to the door, at least she was easy to get rid of. When Oliver came back into the room he was shocked to see that the old wooden planchette was moving like crazy on the board.
"What the....?" he exclaimed and picked up the notebook and pen.

"H-E-L-P-M-E!" Anna spelt, she thought it was always better to cut to the chase, and so she moved the thing over the letters again and again.
"Who are you?" Oliver asked sitting on the floor, addressing the board.
"A-N-N-A" the planchette said.

"Anna...Are you a good spirit Anna?" he asked his mouth almost touching the board now.

"No, unless get a move on..." Anna said her arms clutching her waist like a scorned mother. A few moments later the planchette moved to yes.
"What do you want?" Oliver asked in a trembling voice.

Five hours and a six pack later, Oliver had the whole story written down letter by letter.

"This isn't happening.."he muttered. "I have to dig out an ancient skeleton from this very house, your skeleton so that you can travel the world?" Oliver said and emptied his last can.
"Ancient???" Anna bellowed. "This isn't happening!" Anna said and collapsed on the sofa.
"This is crazy...I don't even know if this is really real, I need some other proof that you are here...I need another beer!" he shouted and picked himself from the sofa.
Anna saw his red eyes glister against the cold, fridge light. He stared at the six pack for a long time before picking it up.
"I don't know Anna," he said sitting right next to her. "How do I know I am not hallucinating or something? Madness runs in my family you know...I might be next. Schizophrenia...Oh God." he said and drained the can.
"The board is all we have Oliver." Anna said and her eyes itched. "Please, you are my last chance.."
Anna spelt it on the board and let the planchette fall on the floor; the board was all she ever had and this time it would have to do.



"Anna, is that really you? I found it in the city records, died of tuberculosis..you died so young..I am sorry.."
"Me too." Anna whispered and together they stared at the pretty picture.
"So is this really you?" Oliver shouted looking at the ceiling.
Anna smiled and moved the planchette to yes.
"My...you are ancient, beautiful but ancient.." he said and laughed.
Anna looked at him angrily and slapped him across the face.
"You don't like it when I call you ancient, do you? I can almost smell it in the air." he said and sniffed.
"I found your photo in the Town Hall, I thought I should do some digging before I do the actual digging of your remains. Tomorrow I will look for the house plans, your....body should be buried in the old part of the house, I just need to find which part is that.
Anna felt her eyes well-up. He was worth the wait after all.
"T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U-O-L-I-V-E-R"
"You are welcome Anna. So tell me why are you still here, are there others with you?"'

The planchette moved from side to side, sometimes fast others slowly. Oliver wrote down every letter one by one and beer after beer. He never run out of questions and she never run out of things to say. Her picture was placed on the board over the word goodbye, which was never used anyway.

The flat-line between life and death had been erased and existence had just been redefined. Conscience had persevered; it flowed and intermingled with the conscience of the living. Anna had defeated oblivion and death was nothing more but an option she had rejected. Present, grounded and bound to the moment she was.... just like him.
                                      .                                           .                                                   .


When Oliver came back home the following afternoon he was not alone.
"According to the original plans we have here, the house was built on top of a well which they used for a main source of water. The well was in the middle of the basement."
"The house has no basement, as far as I know." she heard Oliver say.

"Basement, was there a basement?" Anna thought and her mind was unwillingly drawn to distant almost faded memories. She ached as she tried to put a mental finger on the dark hole that dominated the damp basement. 

"This is more complicated than I thought. The house was built in 1810 and was originally used as a stable. It was part of an even larger house. That house was completely destroyed in the earthquake of  1836. In the 1900's it passed into new hands. They must have added the extensions but kept the basement."
"I'm telling you there is no basement."
"Let me finish. In the 1960's it was bought by your landlord, his wife and their 5 children. I know that one of them died in the house, maybe he was the one who sealed it. I am telling you there is a basement, look!"

The hard wooden steps echoed her footsteps as she ran down to the cellar. A creepy, place damp, always brought her cough back. Once she started coughing she could never stop, her chest ached. But she wanted to get her ball back, it must have fallen somewhere here. She covered her mouth with her hand and looked around.
"Oh no, I can't see it, maybe it fell into the well."
The hole was so dark and deep, she coughed over it and tried to look down. She could hear her mother's voice bouncing on the stone walls.  She was standing on her toes coughing into the well. 
Anna screamed. 

"There is no door." Oliver said feeling the walls.
"Of course not, they must have sealed it."
"Isn't there a way to find it? Maybe use a scanner or something?"

Inch by inch the kitchen was searched and the walls around it but no door could be found. Oliver was the last to quit the search.
"I'm so sorry Anna. I really thought I could find it." he muttered but she couldn't hear. She was still in the basement, her mother's face outlined in the ceiling staring at her in horror. She could still hear it as she fell, from the ceiling echoing down.

The planchette fell on the wooden floor making the three men jump to their feet. Oliver went to the coffee table and placed it on the board.
"C-E-I-L-I-N-G-D-O-O-R-I-F-E-L-L"

.                                                                          .                                                                 .

Anna stared at the cardboard box Oliver had placed on the coffee table. He was still in the kitchen contemplating the wide hole on the kitchen floor.
"I don't know how I am going to explain this to the landlord. Any ideas? Anna are you there?"
Anna had waited for that moment for so long that she felt nothing at all.
"I'll find a pretty box for you, wooden, nicely carved..are you happy Anna? This is what you have always wanted right?"
"T-A-K-E-I-T-O-U-T-S-I-D-E" she spelt and her heart expanded inside her chest.

He picked up the box and walked to the back kitchen door leading to a small garden at the back of the house. The key turned and Anna heard the door unlock.
It was a beautiful summer morning, the sun was shining down on the unkept lawn from all directions.



His hair turned honey -yellow as he stepped outside and walked to the middle of the garden where a small wooden table with small chairs were perched for all intents and purposes.
He opened the board, recovered the planchette from his pocket and placed it in its centre. The box was placed lightly on the ground and there he waited.

The light was so bright, so determined, it left no hiding places, no secrets.
Anna felt bold for a tiny moment and stepped outside her eyes locked on Oliver. She was immediately penetrated by the light and as she moved she could see her body no more.
Her dress, her shoes were shattered leaving her utterly exposed. She just floated by will and felt her mind expand, occupying more space than usual.
"Something is wrong, this is not working." she thought and felt herself spread to all directions, high and low.
On the table the planchette moved.
"N-O-T-W-O-R-K-I-N-G"
"Do you want to go back? I can take the box back into the house." Oliver said but his voice sounded distant.


(photo by Nanoo G.)


"Well.. do you? He can take the box back." a voice right next to her ear said.
"You again, what is it this time?" she exhaled.
"It's not working, I told you so." Nathaniel said. "It's so hot today, I'd better take off my jacket." he added and carefully placed  his corduroy jacket on the back of the chair. Sitting back down he looked at Anna full of concern.
"What are you going to do?" he asked
"Nathaniel...I ..." she whispered
"I know, it's scary being outside."
"What's happening?"
"What should have happened long ago, Anna."
"Can I go back to the house?"
"Is this what you want?"
Anna looked at Oliver who had already picked up her box and waited for the planchette to move.
"He helped me, I told you he'd do it."
"Yes, I was wrong."
A light brown cat emerged from under the table and sat down exactly were Anna was supposed to be standing.
"I thought cats could sense spirits and ghosts." she said.
"They can but you are neither anymore. Are you ready to go now?" he asked.
"Where?"
"oh, everywhere and nowhere.."
"Do I have a choice?
"Of course.."Nathaniel said and with his eyes he pointed to the house.
"I want to say goodbye...and thank him."
"Of course."
"Without the board between us." she added.
"And then you'll come?"
"Well, I won't go back there.." she said turning around to have a last look at the house. When she turned around God's Gift was gone.

                          ...........................................................................................
   
The moment I saw her standing in the middle of the garden in flesh and blood I knew that something had gone wrong with her plan.
It was the way she looked at me, her eyes flooded with panic, her fists clenched. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
She was leaving, she couldn't travel to the far away places the way she wanted after all. 
"Oliver." she said and gave me a forced smile.
"I'm taking the box inside." I said and started to move.
"Please no, I am not going back in."
I nodded and put the box down next to me.
"Will I see you again? Maybe after I..."
"I don't know, you have to ask Nathaniel."
"Nathaniel?" I asked
"God's Gift." she said and smiled widely.
"You are so beautiful Anna, not ancient, just beautiful."
"Thank you Oliver." she said and something attracted her attention. I turned around to see what was there and when I turned back she was gone, just like that.

The planchette never moved after she was gone. I still have it here on the coffee table next to the old wooden box filled with dust.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My red wine

                (painting by Adrian Borda)


It is the end of Spring,  just before Summer burns the buds and dries the fields that I first feel that my blood is clogging my veins making me all sleepy. Summer is coming and I feel heavy and full, content and bored.
No, No. This won't do me any good.
A strange artistic desire popped out from within me just as I was staring at the white walls of my humble flat in the suburbs.
I need colour, I need new life.
I was never much of a painter though I have tried it on several occasions in my life, more for therapeutic reasons rather than driven by the fire of artistic expression.
I'm guessing that my need for change, for colour, for new life is founded on psychological grounds; the artist within me has yet to awaken. However, the drive is strong and so is the ice-cold light reflecting from my walls, especially the wall above my bed.
This is the wall I must reform first.
Yes, yes. I need to see life and colour and feel passion the very moment my eyes open.
And blood it is, for blood should be; so, out of me it goes and on the wall it splashes.
I slice both wrists and lay on my bed, two buckets on either side. Soon, too soon for my liking, my wrists heal and I have to cut them open again...such as waste of time.
Too bored after a while, I bite them open, the taste is good but I am getting seriously bored.
The buckets on either side of me are half full; if my calculations are correct this is enough for one wall.
Ah, the delights of creation!
My paintbrush soaks and drips on my hand. I lick my fingers, I lick the wall, I make love to the wall.
Why hadn't I think of this before?
My wall is blood red I roll on it, eat it and take a few pictures perhaps? I don't see why not, I haven't looked or felt that good since the glorious 90's!
This is colour, this is new life and passion and freedom; my body is empty and light and bendy and needy...
Oh, so needy. I ache, I am hungry and thirsty again. What a glorious revelation!

I quickly pick up the phone and dial her number.

"No, no don't come, I'll meet you outside. We can go to the restaurant you fancy so much. I can watch you eat and then drink..."
"You sound different tonight; delighted, happy, refreshed!"
"Oh I am. I painted my wall red!"
"Are you thirsty a lot then?"
"Yes, but I won't drink, just a sip, just for the buzz."
"Just a sip eh? Well, I'll pack up some juice, just in case."
"Yeah, you do that!"
"Don't be late again!"
"No, I won't, the thirst is too strong for that!"

I hung up the phone and change the filthy rag that used to be my dress.
 Something black perhaps...and lacy and dark just so that I can absorb as much of her light that I can.
She'll be the spring, the green and red, I'm sure.
She's my fine new wine, all mine to drink, all pure!

Monday, March 12, 2012

The white Chariot.



There were only a few people who would argue the case of Mrs Elliot and even fewer who would question her beauty.
The daughter of a third class merchant, Adele, was taught by her father that personal security and prosperity are the highest goals in one's life. Needless to say that his  rules were almost as tight as Adele's corsets, leaving no room for breathing, let alone talking. At the tender age of sixteen, she found herself married to twenty-six years older Mr Henry Elliot, the local tycoon and slave driver, a charming upper-class womaniser who happily took Adele under his wing.

In the ten years of their marriage, Mr Elliot has turned richer, fatter and more disreputable than ever before, yet Adele's efflorescence has stunned the populace beyond repair.

The blasphemous cretin; he is the only one her beauty never touched, the only one who can ignore her adorableness, the only one not dazzled by her light. He is partial to bedding the filthy harlots of the harbour, and go to his wife drunk and begrimed whom she accepts without expostulation.
The word has it that it is because she never gave him an heir for his cotton factory. Barren, infertile, sterile they call her out of jealousy and spite but I know.

I know that I am the only one who can fill her womb with life. My seed inside of her will produce a dozen strong sons and a fairy daughter for I am young and full of burning love,
I am the one who knows.


(Lady Alice Mary Kerr, Portrait of Wilfrid Scawen Blunt c1870)


Who am I?

"Hello cousin!" she says whenever I find the courage to reveal my presence to her.
"Adele." I whisper and bow to peck her icy, gloved hand. Our eyes meet and then she pulls away.
"I intend to call on you and your husband..."
"But you never do.."
"I..."
"You don't like him..you never did."
"Maybe when he is absent.." I mutter.
"I do not think that's possible cousin.." she says and pulls away. I watch her as she turns round the corner.

If only was strong enough to kill the bloody beast.


In my sleepless nights, she walks into my room and lays next to me. I wrap my arms around her and keep her warm. Her belly is swollen and her breasts are ripe. She's mine and we are together. The room is breaking at the seams, the windows burst open and sweet, night breeze creeps under our sheets. She sighs softly and I weep.
If only I was strong enough for her, strong enough to kill the bloody beast.

I start to follow him at nights, I find no rest in my own room. So it happens that he is more corrupted then I thought; he gambles, drinks and smokes together with a throng of whores.

I sit at a table opposite him and in my head his neck bleeds dry, I see his eye sockets crack and empty on his vest, his guts already hung outside to dry.


(Claude Monet - Houses of Parliament)



I decided to rent a room in the building that faces her house. That way I will find out more about his daily habits. From my bedroom window I can see her silhouette walking back and forth. He's there beside her, her head is bowed, she nods and leaves...with tears no doubt.

Tonight she came into the bed and talked to me, she's never uttered a word before, only sighs and tiny sounds escaped her lips. Tonight she called my name.
"Wilfrid..." she said, not cousin Wilfrid. I am taking this as a sign.

The corset leaves deep marks on her pale flesh..
"I don't want you to wear this thing ever again...not ever, you are with me now.."
..............................................................................

It was midday when I heard his shouts, the window was open. He was screaming at her. I have discovered that he does this often, however, this time he is out of his right mind. Again not a sound from her. The maid sped to shut the windows and saw me staring in. I know she's seen me before but I don't care, I will be her master someday whether she likes it or not.

My spirit is dead, my fist shatters against the wall, I'd rather jump out of the window and die that endure this pain.  I lean and prepare to let go and right then I see something I had never laid eyes on before;
a white, riderless chariot with two white steeds is galloping on the High street below, whiter than the clouds, fastest that thought and then I just knew what I had to do and suddenly I felt strong.


There were only a few people who would argue the case of Mrs Elliot and even fewer who would question the brutal circumstances of her husband's death.

The local newspaper gnawed on Mr Elliot's severed limbs for months, even though  his murderer, or 'butcher' as the locals call him, remains obscure. Mr Elliot's head was found floating in stinking river Fleet while his torso and leg were scavenged by dogs in an alley near the flesh market. His two arms and left leg are still missing though. Even the butcher himself doesn't know why they haven't been recovered yet though, truth be told, he couldn't care less.

All the sawing, biting, flaying and gutting...Mr Elliot WAS a very beefy man you see... was worth it...she was worth it and she still is.

At the funeral, Mrs Elliot looked absolutely devastated in the arms of her beloved cousin, the only family she has left since the death of her beloved mother a few months earlier. Wilfrid has made all the necessary arrangements so that Adele is comforted, entertained and though she doesn't know it, she will grow in love with him and soon grow out of her corsets too...that is after all the miracle of love and the omnipotence of persistence.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Pierre is in love.

(Painting by Guillaume Seignac)

Fatal, inevitable, inescapable.
A victim of desire, infinite passion and heartfelt obsession.
A dreamer, a warrior of love, a merciless killer.

Pierre is in love again.

Yet Madeline is nothing like poor Columbine.
She is rich, married and endlessly bored;
corrupted, a sinner, a barren, palace whore.

She and her decadent court, without a trace of propriety,
require daily entertainment of extraordinary variety;
young maids and their dogs, local jesters, a juggler with his fiery torch.
Orient dancers and puppeteers,
pantomime to laugh till their eyes are filled with tears.

Still pining for love, all in pantomime,
yet Madeline is so much more than Columbine.

He is enchanted by her honeysuckle smell,
her buttery skin, her beady eyes, the way her dress fell.
The way she moves her fan when she is displeased,
the fan is always closed when she is kissed.

She lets him touch her everywhere,
he is hers to kiss and hers to share.

Still Madeline is no Columbine,
(Pierre's eyes shine)
but she may soon be,
unless she is wise enough to see...


It was the news that her husband
will soon return from his travel,
that this story began to unravel.

Her fan was immediately picked up and forced open at once,
then it started to writhe like a dying fish in her hands:

"You should leave Pierrot.
I shall have you no more!"

Columbine's dead face
broke free from Pierre's sealed memory case.
He saw her writhing in his hand,
just like Madeline's red velvet and lace fan.

She was a liar and a cheat,
dancing around with naked feet,

"the cold lake suits you fine,
ragged and pale Columbine."


His hand around her neck
strangling a tiny scream,
the evil fan falls mutely onto the floor.

Her folded body inside the sack.
It's laden with stones.

It mutely hits the cold lake floor,
and so did the heavy lid on the wooden memory box
until Pierre falls in love again,
and opens up for more.

Friday, June 24, 2011

"In loving memory"


(drawing by Brian Satalino)

I was never fond of Great Aunt Bertha and whenever she visited us I found all sorts of excuses to stay as far away as possible.

It was her smell.
A strange soapy odour that reminded you of a cheap car air-freshener that burnt your throat and upset your insides. A concotion she probably made herself.

It was her size.
I could have sworn that a small clark truck was hidden beneath her floral  dresses, carrying her through the door. I remember stretching my ears to hear the sound of its motor but all I could ever hear  was the fleshy sound of thighs rubbing against eachother, fighting for some space.

It was her face.
Hidden behind layers upon layers of glistering makeup, pencil-drawn eyebrows and scarlet lips that touched the base of her over-powdered nose.
I never saw what her hair looked like, only raven-black roots managed to escape the captivity of her golden-threaded turban that she always donned.

It was her voice.
Gelatinous and full of phlem that came from her whale-like mouth lined with tiny, gleaming teeth.

The woman was a nightmare and now just because "..it is part of who we are" and "...without our beliefs we are nothing but animals." I have to eat her.


                  .                  .                .






"What a beautiful establishment!" my father said before knocking on the door of the In Loving Memory funeral home.
"The best in town, dear...great aunt Bertha always had a good taste for these things...I read somewhere that they even have their own ovens so everything is freshly made...not like the other times...." my mother said.
"Aunt Bertha is lucky to be taken care of like that..." added my father in a mellow voice.
"Oh please! Let's get it over with" I cut in, took the heavy door knob in my hand and gave it a push on the polished door which opened at once.
"We are here for our aunt Bertha.." said my father softly.
"Please come in, the rest of the family in here already" said a sweet looking lady the colour of organic peach.
Great I thought and my shoulders drooped a little more. True enough, the Flinns, Flosses and Faucets had all gathered for a bit of Bertha!

"Jonathaaaaaan, Bettyyyyy, hellooooo." It was aunt Julie, my father's sister who slid towards us with open arms.
"Kristeeeeeen dear, how much you've grown!" she said and run her jeweled fingers through my hair.
"And what a gorgeous place this is...look at the table, the decorations...this is going to be a great feaaaast!" she said with a small hop on her heels, " we are going to take aunt Bertha inside us with loooove.." she added, closed her eyes and placed her palms on her stomach tenderly.
"With loooove" repeated my parents and touched their bellies. Fortunately, we were interrupted before I had to join in.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated!" announced a handsome man in his 50's and everyone found their seats, unfolded their soft, red napkins and placed them either on their laps or around their necks. I chose the former.
"I am Mr Pertelis, the owner of In Loving memory and I am honoured to welcome you to Mrs Bertha Flinn's one-year-later feast. We took great care of Bertha this past year and followed her orders to the letter. 27 courses!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen. 27 courses is her lifetime achievement! 27 courses for 30 people..such greatness! Is there anyone form the family that would like to say a few words before we begin?" Mr Pertelis asked addressing the family.

They all looked at eachother mutely until my father rose from his seat and spared them the embarrassment of dealing with the fact that noone knew her that well.

"My dearest family!" my father started "some of you I see only at one-year-later feasts. It seems that the flesh and bones of our relatives keep this family together!" to this everybody nodded in agreement.

"I remember last year at Grandpa Marcus feast....the poor man was so skinny we had to share a plate in two, yet how close did that bring us? Grandpa Marcus meat was stiff and could only produce a thin, meagre, soup but we all were together to share the love of the sacred moment we all took Grandpa Marcus inside us.
Today of course is different. Great Aunt Bertha will feed us all today and probably tomorrow...Mr Pertelis, can we take left overs home?'
Mr Pertelis nodded while wipping a tear from his cheek with the back of his hand.
"We will receive her inside us..."my father resumed, "with love and respect and together we shall bring back memories....until the break of dawn!"

"Here, here!" they all shouted.

"What wine did she reserve for us kind Sir?" my mother asked
"Red Idipnoos of 2006" Mr Pertelis answered proudly.
"Excellent choice...." everyone agreed.
"Well done Bertha!" some shouted.

The side doors opened and a small army of waiters in black tuxedos walked inside the hall.
Candles were lit, bottles were uncorked and red wine filled our tulip glasses...it smelled like a freshly dug grave in an elf forest!

"Ladies and Gentlemen let the Feast begin!"

.              .                 .


"AUNT BERTHA WITH ROASTED BALSAMIC ONION AND THYME SAUCE!"


Good, I thought. All the thyme should cover the car freshener smell.

I don't know whether it is a psychological thing, but while running my tongue around a smell piece of aunt Bertha in my mouth I though I caught a whiff of car... but perhaps it was only aunt Julie's cheap deodorant; she had her arms raised in the air on top of her shouting: "GREAT AUNT BERTHA I CAN ALREADY FEEL YOU INSIDE OF ME....WITH LOVE!"
"WITH LOOOOVE" everybody shouted in reply.

I gulped my lovely red wine and concentrated on the onion but just then the door opened again.

"PEPPER-WINE BERTHA!" Mr Pertelis shouted and another large plate landed in front of me.

"Bu...bu...but I haven't finished with my onions" I said to the waiter who took the vegetables away.
"Kristeeeen, it's all about the meat today, Jonathan haven't you taught her anything?" aunt Julie shouted across the table. My dad pouted his lips and rose an eyebrow in a meaningless facial expression that my mother found adorable.

"I want to be cooked like this!" she said to my father in a flirty tone, brushing her shoulder over his.
"I don't think our family can afford it, sweety but we'll eat you the best we can..."my dad said in the same tone and added "now stop drinking and get some Bertha in there..."

Pepper-wine Bertha's smell made my mouth water so I dug my knife and cut off a piece, it was soft and juicy. I wondered what part of Bertha that was but then I decided that it would be best not to know.
The wine helped me empty my plate...Great Aunt Bertha wasn't so bad after all. Maybe she was never that bad, maybe I was too young and too confused to appreciate her...

"PRIME BERTHA RIB!" shouted Mr Pertelis

"TENDER-BERTHA ROAST!"

"MASALA-CRUSTED BERTHA FILLET!"

"BERTHA GOULASH!"

"PAPARDELLE AL' BERTHA!!!"

The third bottle of wine was placed next to me next to the papardelle. Normally I would go for the pasta first but looking down on my plate I felt heat gathering behind my eyes.
How dare they hide Bertha underneath all the soulless, flour?

I picked up all the pieces of meat I could see and pushed all the pasta in my soft, red napkin..

"Aaaatta girl!" giggled aunt Julie and pushed all her papardelle on top of mine.

"You can feel her inside you already, can't you?......you start to like her?.... she tastes well, doesn't she?"

This confused me. I knew Bertha all my life, why is her tasty flesh making me change the way I remember her?

 Is this why we eat people? To forget all their flaws and sins, to see for ourselves that they were made of flesh and blood so that we will be able to finally let go of our anger and forgive them?

"MINUTE BERTHA WITH CHERRY RED WINE SAUCE!"



"TO BERTHA! MAY SHE BE BLESSED INSIDE US AND FORGOTTEN BY NONE!" uncle Philip announced
"TO BERTHA!!!!" everybody shouted in responce.
"I FEEL YOU BERTHA! I FEEL YOU INSIDE ME ALREADY!" aunt Julie shouted, tears ran down her cheeks and merged with Bertha grease around her mouth.

"BERTHA BOURGUIGNON!'

"BOURBON-GLAZED BERTHA!

"BERTHA TAGINE!"

"BERTHA WITH PAK CHOI!"

"BERTHA CARPACCIO!"

"BERTHA AND BOOZE CASSEROLE!"

My belt fell on the floor, I needed the extra space inside me for more...Bertha was unstoppable, my hunger for her was insatiable. My mouth filled and emptied, my eyes closed, the red wine pushed it all down like the tides.

Why did I despise her so much?

It was her smell.
A soft soapy smell that spoke volumes of a lady that kept herself clean.

"LARDEN BERTHA BLADE WITH PRUNE AND PISTACCIO TOPPING!"
"BRESAOLA!"
"CHILLY CON BERTHA!"
"RAGU!"

It was her size.
A fully grown woman, full of scrumptious  juices flowing inside of her, sweet and tender.


"PENANG BERTHA CURRY!"
"BERTHA PATTIES!"
"PIRI PIRI BERTHA!"
"BERTHA MIXED PAELLA!"

It was her face.
Funny...I can't really recall her face but I'm sure I can recall her healthy, small, bright eyes. They must have been clear,  brown and tender.

"BERTHA RICHELIEU WITH MADEIRA SAUCE!"
"IRISH CODDLED BERTHA!"
"STICKY CHIPOTLE BERTHA!"

It was her voice.
Sizzling and crispy. Moist and creamy. Crunchy and spicy.

I felt the hot tears on my cheeks and I bowed low almost kissing the tender loin.

"I ... love you Bertha! I LOVE YOU BERTHA!!!! OH HOW MUCH I MISS YOU!!!!"

Aunt Julie's greasy fingers were wrapped around my face. Her spicy breath entered my nostrils, she was weeping too.
"We love her, that's why we must eat her whole, sugar" she whispered.

"CHATEAUBRIAND!"



The plate looked so sweet in front of me. I was happy it didn't have sauces covering Bertha's flesh.
I let my fork slide down my fingers and took the first piece of Bertha in my hands. I closed my eyes and took in her smell. Sweet and bendy.
My jaws grabbed the meat and bit on it hard. It broke without complaint and left a red smudge on my tongue before I pushed it down with wine.

"KOKORETSI!"



Bertha intestines wrapped around her smaller inner organs challenged me. Eating them would be my ultimate act of love and it was something I had never done before. I closed my eyes and hovered above my plate.
I remembered her warm smile, her small teeth more glittery than her gold turban, soft body soft hands, and chewed on her liver with contentenment.

This was dessert!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Love lives on though Amelia is dead.


(photo by Oer-Wout)


I knew he would come for me,
that he wouldn't let go.

A love like that is not easily forgotten,
not when two souls merge and feel as one.

But I couldn't be with him,
not anymore,
he made me feel like I wasn't myself,
my once crystal dreams had blurred.
He shattered them with promises, plans and demands,
he made me feel drained,
a lifeless shadow behind his fiery passion, and darkest heart.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel,
I had to leave,

and so I did.

The whole Kingdom whispered that this would mean my death,
betrayal always has the smell of blood,
so I knew the day was near,
when he would take away everything I hold dear,
my golden youth, my fairy dreams,
his eyes when his seas are calm,
his flesh against my heart.

But though I knew, I just went on,
playing my happy song on the guitar,
singing along,
under the Poplar tree,
the tree of Death,
Hades' beloved tree.

My feet are turning blue in the winter stream.

"Oh, how I dream of countries far and wide,
to see them all before I die,
I am so young and fair and true,
my sons shall sing my happy tune.
Oh, mother Earth and Oceans wide,
I feel your tide rising inside,
Oh! Gods believe me,
I do not lie...
I do not wish to die"

My tear as cold as the melting snow, maybe I have already died.

I saw him from the corner of my eye,
my gleaming Prince holding his sword.
He had left his white steed not far behind,
the killing wouldn't take him long.

His once blue eyes were red and bloody,
stormy rings encirled both,
his skin was pale,
his lips looked dead and ash clouded his hair,
his clothes were torn, the gold was covered in blood,
what have you done,
my love,
what have you done...

-Amelia, you knew I'd find you... why did you linger?

He drew his sword and stood before me,
I felt its cold steel on my neck.

-Why did you leave me...WHY?

I did not speak then, I stood before the tree,
 closed my eyes and heard the water
gurgling through the mud and stones,
happy and free.

-Speak! Tell me why!
 His rusty breath filled my lungs,
I heard fiery wrath shattering the remnants of his heart.

- I want to be what I was meant to be,
not a figment of your dream.
I won't obey your commands,
that is not what true love does.

-If I can't have you, nobody will.
 Witch!
You shall taste my steel and wrath.
THIS is what true love does.

The coldest blade broke into my spine,
Amelia was no more alive,
and as I watched myself bleed,
I heard my old Prince weep,
not with remorse, not with relief.

He pushed his face in the gash
and drank my unfairly, spilt blood,
each drop a wail, a cry,
until my body ran dry.

But love lives on,
beyond Hades' halls,
loves lives on
among the dead souls,
He'll come to me,
soon enough,
love lives on,
beyond death and wrath.